January 19, 2013 - Leave a Response

Makeup cannot cover up the sorrow in your eyes.


Selfish Parent

January 2, 2013 - Leave a Response

Being a parent makes me realize how selfish I am. I get tired of thinking about what J needs and would rather think about what I want and need. I had to take a walk for an hour yesterday because I couldn’t take his neediness anymore. He’s stuck to me like styrofoam on dry skin and while it’s sweet sometimes, it gets tiring very quickly. I don’t want to play cars and blocks. I don’t want to watch Sprout tv. I need to prep for dinner. I need to fold the laundry. I can’t sit in the same room as you.
We were going to visit my sister and BIL in NJ for New Year’s weekend. J got sick last Friday when we were planning to leave. It started off with a stuffy nose so we decided to go. The better decision would have been to stay home but I really wanted to go. I wanted to spend time with my sister and visit the outlets and be in a different setting. J got worse at the house. It’s colder out there and they had the thermostat on at 70. J also didn’t have a humidifier which I think is the best germ-fighter. He got a fever and was miserable for the next day and a half that we were in NJ. I didn’t get to go to the outlets but I did get to spend time with family. I don’t really regret going since my parents were taking care of me while I was taking care of J. As long as someone meets MY needs, I’m ok. Otherwise, I’m moody and impatient. Is that selfish? Maybe not…Sometimes I justify my actions with the oxygen mask example on aircrafts. They instruct us to put on our own oxygen masks first before helping someone else put it on. So if I get to do what I want and need first, then I can help J with what he wants and needs to do. It sounds good in theory but I realize that there’s no end to me doing what I want. I usually want to do what I want. It’s hard thinking for two people. Sometimes I can’t wait for him to grow up so that he can be independent. I want to be 100% selfish again!  But of course, there’s a part of me that likes to be needed. I just wanted to be needed when it’s convenient for ME.

My New Year’s resolution is to spend more time in God’s Word. I hardly read the Bible and had any QTs in 2012 – very disappointing and my soul feels it. I don’t have the outpouring of love and wisdom that I need to be the parent I want to be so I’m going to dedicate 2013 to studying Proverbs. Don’t most Christian women want to be the noble wife? I started with the 1st chapter and paused at v. 8. “Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.” J has been throwing A LOT of tantrums lately so I’ve been trying to figure out how Daddy J and I should discipline him. Daddy J believes in stern talking and hitting. I believe in stern talking and no hitting. I feel that Daddy J is very hands off with J unless there’s something he does that bothers Daddy J, then Daddy J blows his roof. So I’m thinking, what’s the role of the father and mother in a child’s life? Is there a difference in the “father’s instruction” and “mother’s teaching?” Why does Solomon say “listen to your father’s instruction” and says “do not forsake your mother’s teaching?” To me, listen means to listen but you won’t need to do anything. To not forsake something sounds more serious because it’s something you can never, ever leave. It will be with you always. That’s a lot of pressure for a mom! What I teach J will forever and ever be with him. O what responsibility it is to be a parent. I’d rather think about myself!


April 26, 2012 - Leave a Response


Things to remember

April 26, 2012 - Leave a Response

I need to write these random moments down before I forget them –

Jacob bit my finger 2 nights ago during dinner. I just fed him something and then he started spraying the food all over. So I pinched his lips together and he ended biting my middle finger. He bit down so hard that I thought I was going to bleed. What’s worse is that when I managed to pull out my finger, J LAUGHED AT ME!! Kind of like a Beavis and Butthead laughter but more devious. Jman is going to be quite naughty, I feel…

Another thing I want to remember – I was putting on his diaper after his bath last night. All of sudden, he let out a pretty gaseous fart and he starts cracking up at himself. First time he ever laughed at his own farts. Hilarious!

He Can Talk!

February 9, 2012 - One Response

Jacob now says “mum” everytime he wants more puffs. (So why won’t he say mama to me?) It’s as close to “more” as we can get. It’s really cute how he gets extremely excited when we whip out the container of puffs. He lets out a yelp, eyes get wide and mouth opens and he balls up his fists. So hilarious! I need to post up a video someday.  Next word is “up”. 

He also giggled instead of cry at me first thing this morning when he saw me . The first time! In the past, if John and I were in the room, he’d cry/whine when he woke up from a nap (he doesn’t cry if he doesn’t see us and happily plays by himself in his crib). I guess that’s his way of saying he wants out of the crib. However, I’ve been trying to reach him before he can even cry or whine so I think he understands that he’ll get out his crib when I walk into the bedroom. His smile and giggle this morning shows progress! I wish my eyes were cameras because his face was priceless.


February 1, 2012 - One Response

J has discovered his “member.” Now it’s pull pull pull during diaper changes and bath times. What a funny little guy! Hope he doesn’t hurt himself.
He also started cruising last Sat, Jan 28. He pulled himself up on the couch and started walking sideways while holding onto the couch. He’s becoming so mobile so quickly. Slow down, buddy!
I’ve been trying to teach him to say “more” lately. He loves those puffs and goes crazy when I bring out the container. Before giving him another puff, I keep saying “more” hoping that he’d repeat after me. He just grunts and bangs his tray. Then he starts crying if I don’t give it to him. I succumb to the tears because then it just becomes a bad eating experience.  What’s the best way to teach him words?

New mom

January 25, 2012 - 2 Responses

I’m starting to lose track of all of Jacob’s changes and milestones so why not write about them?

Jacob is 9 months and 3 weeks old. As of today, he can crawl, pull himself up into standing position without help, use his thumb and index finger to take puffs from my palm, grasp objects with his left and right hand and switch them back and forth, say all sorts of jabber and make all sorts of intonations, including dada and mama, play independently for a short time, grin a silly grin when we see him after coming home from work, and show separation anxiety by crying whenever one of us leaves the room. Some not so great things he also does to date is lick/chew on practically everything, shake his head (why does he do that?), rub his eyes and ears often, lick his lips, whine when we dress him, clean his face or clean his nose, doesn’t like drinking water and doesn’t hold his own bottle. I’d like to see him stay on his play mat instead of crawling off of it and playing in the dustiest and dirtiest areas of the floor, not whine when we dress him/clean his face & nose, say dada/mama and mean it, take naps regularly without fighting and finish his milk in one sitting instead of drinking a little/playing a little/drinking/playing, etc.

Parenting has been very difficult for me. Correction, “mothering” is difficult for me. Some things that seem to come naturally to other mothers don’t come naturally to me – i.e. how to soothe, what to feed, how to play, how to nurture. John has the expectation that I should know and do these things and what’s worse is that I don’t have the desire to learn these things. I know moms that read tons of books or articles to improve on their mothering skills but I don’t have that interest. Is that terrible of me? I love Jacob with all that I am but I want him to be a little more grown up – independent, understand concepts, communicate with words.

I’ve been a terrible wife as well. Jacob is only an infant so I transfer all my frustrations on John. It’s unfair and I always regret it after I’ve yelled at him or stomped away in anger. Maybe it’s also the birth control pills messing with the hormones but I don’t want to stop taking them since we’re not ready for another baby. Heck no. I also have self-image issues. My post-pregnancy body grosses me out. I look at my body in the full-length mirror everyday and suck in my belly or tighten my butt muscles to try to remember what I looked like before Jacob lived in my body for 38 weeks. I also look at my face everyday and try to smooth out the under eye bags. I no longer feel sexy and I don’t want to have to sex because I don’t like my body. Motherhood isn’t shining through me.

I share these things for my own release and I’m hoping that other new parents feel the same way. I need the empathy more than the sympathy. Jacob and John are daily teaching me what it means to love and commit to someone wholeheartedly, to be selfless, patient and forgiving, to be silly and to be simple. Hopefully I’m learning these things and am becoming a better mom and wife.